This is not real, this is simply how i feel:
God feels gone. He feels like some really good father who has built up the anticipation of a thrilling Christmas day. He has asked me what I wanted, I have listed my list. I even have thanked him in advance. We've talked. Now I have been waiting for Christmas day. And it came. And He didn't show up. So I went through the day with this knowledge that this father I have known to be good must still be good. Friends even have called and told me all about how wonderful their Christmases are turning out to be, how many good gifts they are getting. I have tried to be happy, really really tried. And I have waited and its like I feel as if God just forgot to come to my Christmas and deliver what he had told me he'd be giving me. And now, it's about January 14th, I have gotten a phone call here and there from him telling me that Christmas just isn't coming when (and how) I thought it would. But it's like I have been stung by God' confusing style of giving and provision and promise. I am still trusting him; his is, after all, my father. But am really scared because my entire existance has been as one thrown into full trust of him; one big giant bear hug of a life of trust and, now I am just a little bit doubting, a little bit distrusting, a little eery of what he says.
But here's the kicker:
I never even considered that God is so unique in his style that for him "Christmas" could come late, or as a completely unexpected event. Consequently, it is his way that has thrown me off, not his attributes or his being. I don't know if I know how to expect from him, but I continue to see him as my good father, I still still continue to know him as my wise God with his wise explanations for why he does things the way he does things.
I think I sometimes just wish God weren't so perfect. Perfect people bother me, sometimes God bothers me because he is perfect when that ought to be what impressed me so immensely.
