in spite of me

there are certain chord progressions that bring me closer to God. sometimes songs that have nothing to do with him push me into his presence because they move my soul, and remind me of his greatness. there are photographs and sunsets and meals that do it too. when life comes rushing at me, startling me into inspiration, i find that i can't help myself from wanting to worship.
because, though the song or the recipe may not be the inspired word of God, it does remind me of my humanity, which in contrast to God's godliness, stirs in me a reverence and love for him.
Yes, worship in the praise-band-hand-clapping-power-point-words-on-the-screen sense is worship that i can love as well. but, sometimes i wonder if i love that kind only because it is tradition and nostalgic for me. that kind of worship moves my soul, but sometimes it just amplifies my stale heart. but, worship that is unplanned, unprovoked and full-hearted is the worship that jumps out at me from real life and gives me no choice but to whisper love to God. it explodes out of me.
the smattering of great things that saturate my every day life cause me to worship God. i see things and i can't help myself...the only possible reaction is to raise God up.
even when i feel like i am doing life so poorly. even when i feel so emotionally low. i am able to find things that cause me to want nothing more than to honor and love God in that moment.

and i know this all. it is a lesson from the basics of childhood sunday school, but i forget it often: even though i am not worthy of God, he accepts my worship with arms wide. in spite of me.

2010.

2010. a tired year for me.
it was a year marked by waiting and impatience.
a year layered in reminders of things i already knew...
but how quickly selfishness blinds me.
i relearned that patience is harder when vision is dim.
vision is harder when hope is lacking.
hope is harder if bitterness is king.

the year reminded me that selflessness will never come naturally apart from grace.
and that God is plentiful in his distribution of grace, of mercy, of love.
for me.
for my friends.
for life.

if i am bitter, i will not grow.
if i dwell on what i lack, i will always lack in joy.
if i want to be better, i have to stop being what i have learned makes me worse.