ungrateful=me

at an hour shy of december, i've managed to squeeze in a blog on november's favorite theme. or rather, the opposite of thanksgiving.
i quit my job over a year ago in the hope (read: assumption) that getting another/better/fulfilling job couldn't possibly be so hard. yet, i am still without a job. after the thrill of quitting wore off, i started to feel a bit worrisome about my prospects. out of necessity, i moved backed into my parent's house which is very much the opposite of growing up. and, i've been content to spend most days searching in vain for employment that seems impossible to come by.
a couple of months ago a "job" stumbled upon me. this job was very much not what i wanted. it required no skills beyond junior high math, it belittled me, humbled me, offended me. but it was money, so i took it and i've been forced to swallow my pride one shift at a time. but, it does not feel natural at all for me to be thankful for it. instead, i feel frustration and bitterness because i feel entitled to something better. and, i wouldn't say this outloud, but i feel like God owes me more.
it is absolutely unnatural for me to feel thankful in most things. most of my best friends live in other states. i feel ugly most days. i wish for things that never come. i wait on promises that fall flat. or, so it seems.
in reality, grace is ever present. hope is screamingly obvious through my life. sometimes i get the good stuff, sometimes i get the shit. regarding God, there are implications and explanations for all of this. regarding emotions, i would obviously choose happy over sad. i imagine that we all would.
as much as i hate to sound all sunday school-like, i really need to consistently remind myself to stop the ungratefulness. because for me, ungratefulness is the most natural way to think. but, i have a job, even though i hate it. i have wonderful friends, even if they don't live so close. and, i am loved. i've got limbs and a brain and skills and ideas and passion...
i have a hope and a future. even if it's tainted by my ever-grumpy self.

now is my joy

Judging by the year and a half gap between this post and the last, you may assume these last 17 months have been void of inspiration for me. True and not.
The pages of my journal have been uncharacteristically blank, but my heart is still cluttered with passion and dreams. It's been a rough time, but I still remember my dreams of a few years ago. I still remember my desires to connect with others. To share life with people and discuss God (and other less daunting things) over coffee.
My passion is still here, but it's been playing hard to get. I feel numbed by disappointment, by unemployment, by loneliness.

I stuck a sticker on my computer this fall that reads, "travel is my joy". Anyone who knows me, knows this is fully true. Seeing the world inspires me. But that little phrase alone doesn't cover it. For me, coffee is my joy, delicious food is my joy, learning about new cultures, having a good conversation, hearing a good song,...joy, joy, joy. I am a person enthused by much.

And for me, one of the most joy-inducing moments comes in realizing that even when it's been 17 months since I've written a word beyond facebook statuses, cover letters and resumes, I've still got it in me. I am still inspired by the things that inspired me before. I still love God. I still care about justice and connecting with people in genuine relationships. My heart still has the capacity to feel the thrill of inspiration. I've made it a circumstantial thing. I've lacked inspiration because I've lacked joy. I've lacked joy because I've refused to see beyond the numbness of now. But I can do this, I can push through. I can feel inspired and find joy even in spite of now. And that brings me joy.