words

I am jumping back in the saddle, pressing my rusty fingers to the keys again and attempting to make something of these words that bounce around in my brain and fight for my attention. These words that attempt to jump out, to elbow their way out of the shadows of my brain and onto paper. But I’ve rejected the echoes of my mind. I’ve avoided thinking beyond the necessary and the clean and the in-a-box. And I’ve pushed these words back into this cob-webby brain of mine and duct taped their mouths shut. It’s safer to not let me think full thoughts or risky thoughts or thoughts at all.

I have been a drama queen lately. Lamenting and dragging my feet about anything inconvenient. I’ve mastered the art of apathy. Doing just what is necessary to brush by. Not being a bad person, but not being all that good either. Blaming my electronic devices for my inability to focus, pointing fingers at everything but me. It’s not an original struggle. I’ve frequented this spot. I am the billboard for just getting by.

But here’s the thing: I need these words to spill out of me. Otherwise I remain mute. I need them to fall out of my head so that I can understand my spiritual innards. Otherwise I am spiritually dead. I need to pull back the quilts and the sheets to see what is in bed with me. Otherwise, before long I’ll forget who I am.