It’s not a bad thing, this numbness. It’s slightly exhilarating, a little terrifying, mostly unreal. I am stepping into something profoundly new. I am doing something I’ve hoped for, wished for. I’m sitting back and watching me get blessed.
I am prone to bitterness. It’s one of my countless flaws, but one that shows its ugly personality at inopportune moments that call for me to be happy for those who are happy when I just don't feel like smiling. But when I haven’t gotten what I’ve prayed for and when I watch others repetitively get the very thing I felt certain I deserved, I am bitter. I am very human and very weak.
So, the fact that I’m getting something so tangible, so real, so exactly what I asked for is a little overwhelming. I’m used to getting all the little things I want but never the big things. Never that. Never this. I’m realizing that this numbness is in fact awe. I’m realizing that I’ve been answered.
2 comments:
Celebrating with you in your awe... congratulations :)
I just keep smiling every time I think of your blessing, Laura!
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