ask me how i am.

yesterday, i ran into this guy who went to high school with me.
truth be told, i saw him from across the room, assumed he wouldn't remember me, and bashfully looked the other way. but he shouted "hello" an auditorium-length away and threw his arms up in a boisterous wave.
obviously, i had to match his enthusiasm, so i walked over to him. smiley and enthusiastic and said hello up close and personal.

i asked him how he'd been.
good, thank you.
he asked me how i'd been.
i'm okay. ugh. so-so, it depends on the day. i don't know. (shut-up, laura, shut-up). i mean, i'll be okay, thanks for asking.

i just couldn't stop being overly honest with him. i literally hadn't seen the poor guy in 11 years and i was treating this random encounter like a priestly confessional.

i was feeling particularly gloomy at that moment because we had just finished hearing John Perkins speak. John Perkins is the granddaddy of Biblical-based Urban Studies. Everything anyone else says about incarnational urban living is just a reinvention of what God or Dr. Perkins already said.

i have a master's in urban studies. Dr. Perkins wrote my textbooks. i planned on making a difference by now. i planned on being inspiring and reconciling the masses. right now, i'm doing little, and find the reminder of my stale-passion offensive. i can hardly even find a job.

My point here is not to conjure up pity. i'm not okay with how i am. i am not okay with where i am. so, if you ask me, i'll tell you i'm so-so, i'm okay, i'm struggling, i've been better.
meanwhile, i'll be trying really hard to find a way to cultivate a life steeped in depth and passion and purpose.

cliches, i know.

but i keep asking myself, "if my life consistently lets me down and i never feel like i've found a place where i can thrive and i struggle till my last day to feel successful at anything, will i be able to live a life of purpose regardless?"

i cannot answer "fine, thank you" until i can answer "yes" to that.