Another day in Seoul

The contrast is frightening because as much as I love Seoul, I am really not loving 90% of my job here. But, today I'm happy enough because yesterday was my second trip into Seoul with Hannah. And being in Seoul really is as wonderful as I could hope. We climbed Mt. Namsan (this mountain is surrounded by the city on all sides, offering amazing views of the never ending Seoul), we ate fabulous food at a fancy restaurant at the top of the mountain, we went to the "fashion mecca" and shopped like crazy people. And we ate very, very tall ice cream. The day was good. I did my best to savor every morsel of Seoul because taking the train home to our hole-in-the-mountain town is hard to swallow. But the day was really, really good. And I really, really love Seoul. But unfortunately Seoul is an extensive journey away.

2 weeks in

I arrived to Seoul exactly two weeks from right about now. Oh my goodness. It's been a surprisingly extensive two weeks.
These are the highlights of this second week. (I'm trying here, ok?)


1. The teachers volunteer once a month at a local orphanage on Saturday afternoon. This was wonderful and heart wrenching. And sadly the only thing "volunteer" about what I do...it was something I wouldn't miss even though I actual could.










2. I experienced for the first time the fascinating Korean phenomenum of entering a home, being shown in to the living room for a visit and having everyone sit on the floor...even though they have nice comfy sofas all around.

3. I helped Hannah lead worship on Sunday morning, the first time I actually felt like one of my real strengths was being applied since arriving to this place.

4. Hannah and I discovered this absurdly random "cafe house" 200 feet from our apartment (which, I remind you is in the middle of nowhere) with this fabulously artistic woman running the place. I will go much more into detail about this later...but it might just be my lifeline.




5. The preschool went on a fieldtrip to an organic farm. Fabulous.
6. I only cried on 3 separate occasions today.
7. Green Tea Cake. I feel I haven't fully lived prior to my experience this week with green tea cake.

PBS!!!!

Hannah and I get an abnormally giant kick out of inventing nicknames for our little kids. Though I can't admit this as a preschool teacher, I will confess it here: This little dude is hands-down, my fav. Her name is Chloe. She has this hysterical bowl cut and little nerdy red glasses. She is a child of the 80's. And, because she has the intelligent look of a smart Asan, Hannah and I granted her the name "PBS", as in "Public Broadcasting Service" because Chloe has exactly the look of the "token Asian" they are bound to have on those educational shows. And she is so wonderfully adorable. She hears us calling her "PBS", and mimics us, shouting "PDS, PDS!!!" and her other favorite "Chloe Sandwichie! Chloe Hamburger!" Really, she's just too cute.

My apartment

Seoul pictures

These pics are from my day in Seoul last week. Red Mango is a delicious Korean Frozen Yogurt. In the picture of me, I am holding a burnt sugar lolipop (kind of odd in taste). And yes, they do have Starbucks in Korea, but no, I did not drink it.









Last post, I didn't really mean to post those 4 pictures, let alone give no explanation about them. But, since the pics are there, let me explain: The first is a picture of Hannah, second is a jewelry stand in Seoul, and 3 and 4 are inside one of many great European-feeling bakeries in Seoul (with Petra in front looking dead and Hannah in he back with tong

After one week of Korea

Teaching English to kids is really just a boring job. Sure, maybe the kids are cute on occasion (though usually they're just loud) but really, the thing is, I don't like teaching English to kids. And, though I could list my list of awful cons about what this whole Korean teaching experience is turning out to be (and, I think i might just list that list one day soon), I most assuredly must cling to the truth (what I know that be true) that God is not a God who delights in screwing us over. And so, I am here. And yes, the nightmare of it sucking seems to be coming true. But I am here. And in the madness I feel as I anticipate a year of this situation, I have to believe that I am not just here to be screwed. More later...

I heart Seoul

Seoul really was therapy for my city-thirsty self. I will attach pictures tomorrow. Hannah and Petra and I went in for the day yesterday since there was no school for the Korean Independence Day. Most impressive to me was the steady stretch of street vendors along every sidewalk. Korean dumplings and chestnuts and delightfully unpronoucable streetside delicacies were all the rage block after block. I just might get fat in this country, or maybe die of a salt overdose.
But, sadly, all I could think as I walked street after street was how badly I wish I were living in Seoul for the year. Because, I must again clarify that it is not the country of Korea that is ticking me off so incessantly, it is the system of the school that I been unavoidably baptisted widemouthed into. I think I would thrive in Seoul. But I'm not certain (the pessimist in me) if I can thrive in the situation I am in. I will try.
Today I was whisked away to another church school, where (I think, if I understand correctly) I am to be every Thursday morning. The problem is, the teachers speak no English (at all). So today, in my first trial by fire, I was dropped off at the school, introduced by name and then left alone for 2 hours with zero English speakers, 2 teachers and 18 small children who, for whatever reason, found deep joy in kicking my shins. I have no idea what I was supposed to be doing. When I was dropped off, I was told to "observe". However, 5 minutes into "observing", the teacher waved me to the front and starting pointing at me, as if it was some international cue for me to do something. I kept saying, "what? what?" Finally, she gave up, motioned me back to my seat and (I assume?) apologized profusely to me in Korean. Or maybe she was scolding me. Couldn't tell you. I wish I spoke Korean.
Then, I was driven home. At noon. To again "take the day off", so that I can rest up and be successful here. Which, I'm not going to lie, I'm not complaining, and I am certainly not the silent martyr type who refuses such luxuries as a day off, but I feel like I might die in this tiny apartment surrounded by only a few houses, rice fields and mountains that stretch forever.
I still don't actually have internet access, just a faint trace of wireless that I have found if I press myself up against my window. So, if feel emotionally, technologically and linguistically secluded right now.
And I can't help but wonder how much happier I would be if only this crazy gig were an hour west of here, in a city called Seoul that I fell fast in love with yesterday.

boy oh boy oh boy oh

Korea is going to be hard. Not much is resembling my expectations for this place. Korea itself is gloriously beautiful, with mountains that I somehow didn't notice until my third day here and an immensity of rice fields. Literally, the rice fields have captivated me most. Harvest of the fields has just begin and I stood for long time today watching one man yank up rice in a field solo. He seems so OK with being the only one to conquer the massive field, and he seems so like the subject of a picture calender entitled, "Korea landscapes". This land is beautiful, but not cocky about it.
Tomorrow, I will get my first glimpse at the big city of Seoul. This, I think, will help to solidify the reality of my geographical location. Because right now, I feel more like I'm in Epcot or perhaps in an American city's "Korea Town". I don't think I realize I am in Asia.
Regarding the school, my job, I am not sure I am going to survive. Or, perhaps, I am simply not sure that I will thrive. For, I am here on such an unexplainable impulse, that I cannot help but wonder if this whole thing is a serious mistake.
I don't know if I even like kids enough to be excited about this. I don't know if I like Asia enough to be excited about this. I don't know if I will even make it without loosing a sense of who I am. For this is so not who I am. This position is forcing me to tap into places within me that I established as weaknesses long ago. And now I am here, with only my weaknesses to use for the next year. I suppose, when I say it that way, it doesn't sound so bad. And of course, someone is bound to throw at me the "when you are weak, God is strong" rubbish at me. But, this is seeming like the impossibly hard way of learning some lessons from God.

in 48 hours from now

I'm quite close to my plane ride to Korea. It's a little over 2 days away. I've packed 2 large suitcases, each with precisely 49 pounds and I am wondering at how I ever thought of myself as a simple life person. I have so much stuff that I am leaving behind, hoping I won't miss it too badly these next 12 months.
My nerves are numb. I am scared, freaked out and nervous. And only a little excited. Not because I'm expecting Korea to suck (which, yes, I admit, I'm err on that side right now), but because I hoping so badly that it doesn't. And I figure if I don't get too excited, anything is bound to be better than what I'm fearing.
If you looking for what to pray for me:
My hope? To be delightfully intrigued with this year enough for it to go wonderfully fast. Because I do want to to be good. But I also am excited to be on the other side of this year. Hopefully wiser, hopefully culturally enlightened, hopefully stronger and happier, and maybe even clear on what to do with my life.
But also, pray that I am not suppressed in the expression of who I am.

It's true

I am moving to South Korea. Just for a year, but the idea seems practically surreal even as I prepare to leave in 7 short days from now. I only knew of this opportunity three weeks ago...I decided to go because I could see any reason not to. But it is crazy. I feel crazed and curious and I'm not going to lie, I'm just hoping it doesn't suck. Because, even though everyone in my life is telling me that I'd be a fool to not go, I feel like I'm a fool to do something so far (so very, very far) from anything I want to be doing.
What I love: artistic expression, Europe, young adults, reaching the intellectual and the artist.
What I don't really know (Korea): Asia, preschool kids, conservative traditional thought.
Korea, please don't suck.

chicago, me, and my list of accomplishments

has it really been this long? this has become the blog about how i am bad at blogging. Yesterday i flew home from a chicago visit that had been the first time I seen that beloved city since I moved away a year and 2 weeks ago. I went to a friend's wedding, plus managed to see (almost) all of my few remaining Chicago friends. and, the trip reminded me that it seems as though virtually nothing has happened in my life since i left that city a year ago.
However, just to remind me that my life is not without current purpose, and to encourage myself in the continual process of trancient waiting, here is my list of what I have accomplished in the last year:
1. I have managed to get reaquainted with a few friends from my past, even when the thought of that was so daunting after being gone from my hometown for so long.
2. I have visited Pittsburgh, NYC, Philadelphia, and Chicago.
3. I have travelled to Italy with my mom where I consumed my body weight in pasta for 10 glorious days.
4. I have helped start up a youth group at my church
5. I have taught a semester of public High School, reaffirming my love for High School students.
6. I have completely remodeled my bedroom in my parents' house.
7. I have figured out how to keep my sanity while living with my parents as a 25 year old.
8. I have saved money.
9. I have finished my book to the point of editing and (if possible) publishing.
10. I have to fought to keep my love of God true even when nothing is happening, even when I'm bored and lonely and frustrated, and even when life is stuck.

And there we have it, a post for myself, to remind me of year has been.

italians and love

I never expect to have fun these days. I think that might be my problem. Too many months of writing papers, followed by little disappointments, followed by an unsatisfied curiousity of my hopes, etc. And then i went to Italy. These last 10 days i have been there. In that glorious country that seems to better understand life's priorities (or atleast my priorities). It holds family more important than success, espresso breaks as more important than the work, beauty as more important than gain. I had such magical fun. Truly i was swept off my feet, brought to a place of disguistingly precious enjoyment and I had fun. I drank wine and espresso and rubbed shoulders with the locals. I saw art so famous I couldn't comprehend it's full significance. I watched the beautiful people and wondered at how i find a way to move to this country. I love Italy for a thousand reasons, but most fully because I love the way those people love there. They love the things I want to love.

missing everything

i'm a really, really bad blogger.
my newest adventure in life these days is substitute teaching, at the very school i got my little high school diploma from. the bathrooms smell the same, but the students all look so little. i think, "was i that little back then?" i almost feel compelled to pinch their cheeks like some ridiculous great aunty.
i miss city right now. i miss people (real people who have conversation and want to know about my life). that probably has a lot to do with the fact that i'm housesitting out in the sticks this week and have abundant conversations with a beagle but not much beyond.
i think i forgot to eat lunch today. there was no one around to remind me of my hunger.
i miss the assumptions i held so strongly to (not more than a few years back) that dinner time meant conversation and studying meant subtly hanging out with friends.
and, if you're reading this, i probably miss you too.

how i currently see my God

This is not real, this is simply how i feel:
God feels gone. He feels like some really good father who has built up the anticipation of a thrilling Christmas day. He has asked me what I wanted, I have listed my list. I even have thanked him in advance. We've talked. Now I have been waiting for Christmas day. And it came. And He didn't show up. So I went through the day with this knowledge that this father I have known to be good must still be good. Friends even have called and told me all about how wonderful their Christmases are turning out to be, how many good gifts they are getting. I have tried to be happy, really really tried. And I have waited and its like I feel as if God just forgot to come to my Christmas and deliver what he had told me he'd be giving me. And now, it's about January 14th, I have gotten a phone call here and there from him telling me that Christmas just isn't coming when (and how) I thought it would. But it's like I have been stung by God' confusing style of giving and provision and promise. I am still trusting him; his is, after all, my father. But am really scared because my entire existance has been as one thrown into full trust of him; one big giant bear hug of a life of trust and, now I am just a little bit doubting, a little bit distrusting, a little eery of what he says.
But here's the kicker:
I never even considered that God is so unique in his style that for him "Christmas" could come late, or as a completely unexpected event. Consequently, it is his way that has thrown me off, not his attributes or his being. I don't know if I know how to expect from him, but I continue to see him as my good father, I still still continue to know him as my wise God with his wise explanations for why he does things the way he does things.
I think I sometimes just wish God weren't so perfect. Perfect people bother me, sometimes God bothers me because he is perfect when that ought to be what impressed me so immensely.